From Parenting New Mexico Febraury 2001

ARTICLE ON STEPPARENTING

STEPPARENTING:
Realities and Tips

The majority of divorced parents remarry, especially parents with preteen children. Most remarriages occur within three years following divorce. Becoming a stepparent is one of the most common major life adjustments in our society. While common, becoming a stepparent is not easy. There are no absolute guidelines for how to fill the role of being the second (or third) father or mother figure for children. The pitfalls of stepparenting are many and how to be a good stepparent is not always obvious. It can, however, be a rewarding role for both the adult and the children.

In this article I outline many of the things to expect if you are a stepparent or are about to become one, and I offer suggestions on how to be the best possible stepmother or stepfather. As one new stepfather recently exclaimed to me in exasperation, "I've got two more kids in my house, but they came without a manual!"

Remarriage Timing

Becoming a stepparent, as a general rule, is easier when the children have had a year or more after their parents' divorce. Having a year or more of adjustment time allows the reality and finality of the divorce to have fully set in before asking the children to adjust to a new parent figure. The children and parents will usually within a year have restructured their relationships and will have established a routine for time together. Not only does this help the children to be ready for the addition of a stepparent, it also makes the addition of a "new" parent figure less threatening psychologically to your counterpart, the "real" mother or father.

It is fairly common for children, especially late preschool and elementary school age children, to believe that their parents should not date and certainly should not remarry. The children perceive their parents as still connected some how and many children hope for a reconciliation between their parents, even when there is tremendous conflict between the parents. These issues are most prevalent in the first year following a divorce. Parent dating and especially remarriage shatter these beliefs and hopes, and often result in children rejecting a stepparent initially.

Children's Reactions

Often the children are not as excited about the new stepparent as the newlyweds are with each other. The adults are understandably happy, and often relieved, to have a new relationship, but the children may be more wary. The children tend to be slower to fully engage with the new stepparent when they have a continuing active relationship with their natural parent who is the counterpart to the new stepparent. The children often are cautious and gradual in building a relationship with their parent's new spouse, especially due to the worry that to like a stepparent may mean betraying their father or mother. In many cases, however, the children quickly bond with the new parent in the house as they recognize that the remarriage and new parent figure bring stability to what was a stressed single parent household. Many single parent households become much more financially and emotionally stable with less stress after remarriage.

Age makes quite a difference in how children handle the addition of a stepparent. Preschool and early elementary school age children most easily accept and establish a relationship with their parent's new partner. Middle elementary school and preteen children worry the most about betraying their natural parent by liking a new mother or father figure, and seem to cling most strongly to the hope that their parents can get back together if Mom and/or Dad just were not forging a new relationship. Children in this age group often cycle between seeking to engage and then distance themselves from the stepparent. This off and on behavior can be very confusing until the adults understand why it is occurring. Adolescents are the most likely to actively reject or ignore a new adult in the household. Teens are generally focused on their independence and often don't want to bother with their parent's new partner. Also, teenagers are in the midst of their own romantic development and frequently find it repulsive to think of their parents being involved in dating, marriage, and sex.

Parents, both natural and step, are often concerned that the children will become confused in relating to two mother or two father figures. Confusion, however, is rare. Children do very well with forming different relationships with two parents of the same sex and the research in this area is clear that a great relationship with one in no way precludes or interferes with having a great relationship with the other. Natural parents should not be worried about being replaced once there is the addition of a stepparent.

The Other Parent's Reaction

Stepparents often get a cold, if not down right hostile, reception from their natural parent counterpart. That's often because the natural parent doesn't understand that forming a relationship with a stepparent usually will not change the relationship their child has with them. Many parents see themselves as in competition with the stepparent for who can be the best mom or dad. It need not be that way; psychologically children have the capacity for great, but different, relations with all parent figures.

One goal of a new relationship for many single parents is to "reform" their lifestyle. But when they do so, the new stepparent is often blamed by the former spouse as the reason for the change. Unfortunately, in these situations children often hear their new stepparent blamed for why Mommy or Daddy has changed. This makes it difficult for children to express love for and even describe happy events with their newly married parent to the angry parent. Children often "clam up" about the remarried household to the other parent, or begin leading the guilt-ridden, double life of liking the stepparent, but joining the angry parent in "bashing the bad stepparent." This situation is psychologically destructive for children.

It is difficult for stepparents to actively meet and seek a congenial relationship with their natural parent counterpart. Yet, this is important. Children actively report that they feel relieved when they see each parent figure respect the other enough to have courteous interactions.

Tips For Better Stepparenting

1. Remarry or live with a new partner only after a year has passed. This helps the children to have recovered enough from the divorce to more readily accept a stepparent.

2. If you are planning to remarry or live with a new partner, give the children a couple of months at least to know about the plans. Children usually perceive that the divorce was a surprise (even when the parents were in tremendous conflict), and don't want to be surprised again. This is especially true for children age six and older.

3. If you have changed your basic lifestyle in conjunction with a new partner, resist the urge to "put down" the parent who has not changed. Bad mouthing the other parent is harmful to children.

4. It is important for stepparents to take an active role in parenting their step children. The natural parent should give authority for the stepparent to discipline and reward the children. Children dislike stepparents who stay distant, having a relationship with their parent, but not with them. Uninvolved stepparenting is a major source of conflict leading to remarriage failures.

5. Accept that children may be "off and on" in their relationship with a stepparent. Issues of betraying the natural parent or simple adjustment often create conflicts within children such that they may have periods of being more cool toward a stepparent, especially around transition times to the other parent's household.

6. Don't push for children to call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad".; Make this an open topic, and allow the children to choose. Children will often flip flop between use of a first name and "Mom/Dad." If the children choose the "Mom/Dad" label be sure to tell the corresponding natural parent. Nothing can be more upsetting, and create more conflict, than for a parent to "discover" that their child calls a stepparent the same as themselves.

7. Stepparents should reach out to meet and develop a congenial relationship with their counterpart. Children benefit when they see respectful interactions among all parent figures.

The addition of a stepparent is just that, an addition, not a new relationship which must tarnish or diminish the relationships already existing between parents and children. Stepparents are often excellent resources for children who continue to love and enjoy time with their natural parents. Children do grow up having great relationships with two parents and two stepparents.

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Copyright by Parenting New Mexico and Gayle L Zieman PhD. This article may not be published in part or in its entirety in any medium without written permission from Gayle L Zieman PhD or Parenting New Mexico magazine. Links to this page are welcome.